the inefficient detective wants to be a youtube star

ever since i was little, i knew my mom wasn't like the other moms. the other mothers looked...dumpy? frumpy? they looked like they had kids and just completely let go of themselves. on the other hand my mom always looked young and stylish, well she still looks young and stylish thanks to great dna (black don't crack yall) and forbidding her from shopping in stores like coldwater creek and talbots ( no offense if that's where you shop...) she's kinda the cool mom from mean girls, if the cool mom cared more about her kids going to ivy league schools than their social standing.

a few weeks ago i had a movie marathon with the inefficient detective while the men of the house were at a tournament in new jersey. we alternated between my choices and her choices. she picked depressing ass movies like the pursuit of happyness and a romcom, definately,maybe. i chose generation kill and death proof.  always a realistic and logical viewer, the inefficient detective had qualms with the ending of definately, maybe but also told me she didn't want me driving because the ghost of "stunt man mike" might chase me down in my suv. she did however love the song that played during the lapdance.



last nite i made mom a mixed cd with some lady gaga and the song mentioned above. as i was making some dinner, "that mexico song" came on. that's when this awkward interaction went down:

mother: that was the best scene in the movie. we should learn that dance.
me: huh?
mother: we should film it and put it on youtube.
me: whaaaaaaaaa?!
(mother starts to re-inact the dance beat for beat)
me: oh jesus take the wheel.  (yes, i actually said that)
mother: we could send it to amin.
me: ohmygahhhh
mother: you don't think he'd like it. who else could we send it to.
me: i am not doing that
mother: or a pole dance.
me: ohhh noooo.
mother: what? i'll be famous.

i was able to laugh this off as another one of the inefficient detective's diva moments or something like that. if she ends up doing this, i promise to post it. but what i forgot to mention was that my brother was also present for the whole thing. he didn't find it funny. his reaction was something like this:

thanks a lot tarantino. 

what i've learned from twilight (and true blood)

NEVER DATE A VAMPIRE

last nite, i was one of the millions of women who went and saw the midnight showing of new moon. i've never read the books or even seen the first movie sober, but i was fascinated by the whole possibility of the wild experience, so i went with the inefficient detective, her friend, and her friend's daughter (who is a twilight expert). we arrived a little before 11 and there was already a huge line. of course the second we walk in i immediately spot an old friend from highschool of mine (thank god i didn't wear sweats) we stood there with heaps of diehard fans wearing team edward and team jacob shirts, men and women, and one awkward guy who was alone and talking about how he had already seen it. someone asked me, "what team are you on?" i responded, that dude in the wheelchair. to be honest, i have never read the books and while i don't get the fuss over edward, i refuse to be a pedophile and fawn over that poor underage boy. when the doors opened, there was a stampede bigger than black friday, i was pushed and shoved as hoards of fans tried to get a seat. it was a big theatre and that was very unnecessary.

there was a crazed excitement in the air as we sat for another 30 minutes before the previews would even start. i tried to read a book but i was distracted by the wide array of fans that continued to trickle in. there were the frantic teenage girls and guys, the boyfriends and fathers who looked scared or constipated, the young women, the emo men, and the 35+ female crowd. i tried to keep an open mind but many of the young women i watched walk by either severely lacked social skills or were over 250lbs. i honestly think i could have written a thesis or ethnographic study about the experience. then movie starts. there are squeals and sighs. the movie wasn't dreadful or anything, just very, eh okay.

so to my main point, what i learned watching the movie (and some true blood) was, never date a vampire. why? because they are controlling, emo, and abusive. what they do is they find themselves a very bland dumb girl (bella swan/sookie stackhouse) who for some reason, everyone loves and fawns over,despite her lack of redeeming qualities. the vampire puts said girl in danger, usually just by showing up with their emo pale face. they then create a dramatic situation to save the girl, they usually end up killing one of their kind. this forever binds the two as the vampire feels that they must protect her forevah. in return, the girl loves the vampire and sees the beautiful soul that no one else does (bc it doesn't exist, you dumb bitch). over time, the vampire tells the girl what she can and can not do.she wants him to make her a vampire but he refuses to do so. this causes the girl to be even more insecure then she already is. then for one reason or another, the vampire leaves his damsel, even though she is in danger. she becomes depressed, almost suicidal, dilusional, and self-absorbed. but don't worry, a shapeshifter or werewolf will protect her. she will want to love him but she can't bc she still loves that dead  mother fucker. after she bonds with the doglike creature, the vampire returns. he is always thankful to the dude for protecting her but gets all mad and shit because the girl may have considered moving on with her life. asshole. sensing he is losing his power over his female, the vampire will try to legally bind the woman to her by proposing marriage. romantic right?

so let me reiterate my point. DON'T DATE VAMPIRES. unless you're a masochist or something.

sixteen forever

after a grueling krav maga workout, i needed a stretch. as i tried to see if i could still touch my toes, a girl from class came up to me and asked: "what grade are you in?" my immediate response was grade?huh?. i replied oh, i'm not in any grade. she then tells me, "i'm going to be 14 a month from today." i say, i'm 22. Disappointed, she responds, "really?! oh. you look so young."

at first i felt really offended. how dare she think i was young enough to be her cool teenager friend. i complain to my mother and her friends who all tell me how great that is and how flattered that i should be. they said i am a little too young to appreciate the mistake.

but the thing is, i've looked sixteen for the past ten years! thanks to early onset puberty, i was 5'5 by the time i graduated elementary school, with birthing hips and a C-cup bra. people used to think my brother, who was 3 at the time, was my son.

i don't want to look old or anything, everyone knows i worry about premature aging. but i don't think it would be so bad to look maybe 18?

inefficient detective thinks:

me:jajajaja
inefficient detective: what are you laughing about?
me: oh someone made a fake robert pattinson cover as people's sexiest man alive.
inefficient detective: i don't think he's all that. there could have been better edwards. i can see you as bella and eric (true blood) as edward...

yeah...okay?

another tale of the immigrant family

after a long family adventure at costco (did yall know the one in ny sells louis vuitton purses?), my aunt called my father and had a longish conversation in greek. the only words i really understand are hello, goodbye, yes, thank you, and some various curse words. yet, usually i am able to pick up the nature of the conversation based on change in tones and the use of the word, "neh". today's convo was confusing though, it started out sounding very serious but then my dad was laughing occasionally. i figured it had to be about yiaya, my grandmother. i was wrong. sort of.

the story starts off a few weeks ago, nah, it starts forever ago. basically, my yiaya has had problems with her neighbors since the turks invaded the greeks in cyprus. when she came to america, she always had some sort of bizarre issue. the most notable being when she started feeding the neighbors 3 cats, the cats eventually moved over. there was a fight between the neighbors and my aunt & yiaya because yiaya basically stole their cats, even though she doesn't see it that way. sadly, last year, the obese cat killed itself...it fell walked off the balcony. RIP fat cat. 

so, a few weeks ago, my grandmother was hit by the neighbor's car as she reversed or something. however, we didn't find out till a week later when my dad told me i had to babysit my cousin while they took her to the er. what the family failed to tell me was that my cousin was recently getting over swine flu and i spent the next few days paranoid that i contracted it. (my immune system is less than stellar, i need to up my vitamin-C). edit: yiaya is okay, there wasn't any damage from the accident

you are basically all caught up now. which brings us to the phone call. 

last night, the same woman that apparently hit my grandmother with her car, saw that the light in my aunt's car was left on. i guess it was late and she didn't want to wake anyone, so she went in the car (because it was open) and turned it off herself. today, she informed my aunt of this. my aunt's response? to call the police of course. why? to have them make sure this woman didn't do anything to the car. because if this neighbor was really out to get them, she would knock on their door and give them a heads up. my dad tried to talk my aunt (who is a judge) out of this nonsense but it's too late.

you're right martin: shit just got real

the beauty within aka precious part 2

at the suggestion of my friend jenny, i read this review of the movie precious. i'm not claiming to be an expert on anything but i am merely responding based on my point of view and basic knowledge of the film industry.

When Push Comes to Shove

david edelstein, amongst other things, found her appearance to be "shocking" and compared its use to a john waters film (he did the original hairspray.) commentators attacked edelstein's critique prompting him to engage in a defensive tit for tat with some of his attackers. some responses called him insensitive or ignorant, other responses touched on issues of race and class, and responders began responding to each other in what turned into a debate about the film and ultimately blacks in hollywood. the only thing that is clear to me at this point is that this film provokes a lot in people.

some people commented that the character looks exactly how she is described in the book and therefore that is why the particular actress was chosen. as if this was supposed to mute arguments about the weight and skin tone of the actress/character. not true. since when is the film industry known for accurately  adapting anything? they could have easily gone with brandy, who supposedly was considered for this role years ago. but the filmmakers made a deliberate choice.

what exactly the film makers are trying to evoke with the appearance of the main character, i can't truly determine (for myself) until i see the movie. everyone will react differently based on their personal background, experiences, point of view, etc. but all people who think we are just supposed to ignore what she looks like and to focus on the "beauty within" are just fooling themselves.

putting race aside, hollywood loves to use "fat"/"ugly" people to show the beauty within. why? because these are motion pictures, they have to show us these people are the underdogs. and what better way to illustrate the idea by making them "ugly" or "fat". then these "underdogs" are supposed to push us to think that it doesn't matter what you look like, it's all about who you are.

the ultimate underdog

lately, i haven't really felt the urge to blog. but while i was watching tv tonight ( ANTM & Glee) i had this sudden realization that the thematic element of the "underdog" was being thrown in my face. maybe it's the recession. ANTM's season was devoted to short models. Glee's episode was all about the underdog: the gay, the handicapped, the mentally challenged, the dumb jock, etc. but what really got me were the commercials for two upcoming movies.

precious & the blindside

warning: i am about to write something that may be viewed as completely absurd.

after watching multiple commercials for these two movies, in between the hour long avatar commercial (james cameron: are your metaphors supposed to be that obvious?), i realized that there seems to be an ultimate underdog in american cinema and maybe pop culture.


the poor youngish black person, wait, correct that, the poor youngish black overweight person.

can someone explain this to me? honestly. because i really can't pin point why exactly poor fat black people produce more tearjerkers than poor people of any race. seriously. and it feels like the more obese they are, the more tragic their story has to be. do you know how much i've cried just watching these previews.  slumdog millionare can't compete with this shit.

maybe this is an extension or combination of the: "mystical negro" and "whatever you would call the opposite of the sassy black friend" trope in films (google it). it's ironic that this comes from the same society that constantly tells us that we need to be thin.

and for those who think this idea is absurd here are some examples:
-effie in dreamgirls
-michael oher in the blindside
-precious in precious
-oprah (when she was coming up)
edit: bubba-forest gump; that dude in the green mile

also note that 3/4 of these examples are (based on) true stories. i am not sure if that is a factor or not.

i'm going to go research this now to see if anyone has actually looked into this idea.

i am no longer amused

oh jon gosselin. at first it was kinda funny to watch him parade around in his too tight ed hardy shirt with his pierced ears and act important. it was amusing to read about his bizarre obsession with jews. it was hilarious to watch niecy nash tell him like it is. but now this jon gosselin thing has reached heights of melodrama that i can no longer handle.



i didn't even watch this shit. honestly. just the whole premise of him storming out of an interview bc his lady hoe told him to think about his kids or something makes me want to pull a tanisha (aka 1/2 of my inspiration)

like sand through the hourglass

my life is pretty redundant these days

i wake up between 9:30-11:00
make breakfast.
read the news: variety, ew, ontd
read the real news: cnn, washington post
watch something: really depends on the day
read something: a novel, a guide, industry blogs
make lunch
send out some cover letters/resume
make food for the bro
read more
socialize. eat dinner. etc.

gchat through out the day.

exciting stuff i know.

another one-liner

" i don't know what happened to all my jewish jewelry"

- the catholic inefficient detective

the inefficient detective does baseball

so cliff lee is not asian? matsui is asian?

this is the response of someone who doesn't actually pay attention to the game.