what i've learned from twilight (and true blood)

NEVER DATE A VAMPIRE

last nite, i was one of the millions of women who went and saw the midnight showing of new moon. i've never read the books or even seen the first movie sober, but i was fascinated by the whole possibility of the wild experience, so i went with the inefficient detective, her friend, and her friend's daughter (who is a twilight expert). we arrived a little before 11 and there was already a huge line. of course the second we walk in i immediately spot an old friend from highschool of mine (thank god i didn't wear sweats) we stood there with heaps of diehard fans wearing team edward and team jacob shirts, men and women, and one awkward guy who was alone and talking about how he had already seen it. someone asked me, "what team are you on?" i responded, that dude in the wheelchair. to be honest, i have never read the books and while i don't get the fuss over edward, i refuse to be a pedophile and fawn over that poor underage boy. when the doors opened, there was a stampede bigger than black friday, i was pushed and shoved as hoards of fans tried to get a seat. it was a big theatre and that was very unnecessary.

there was a crazed excitement in the air as we sat for another 30 minutes before the previews would even start. i tried to read a book but i was distracted by the wide array of fans that continued to trickle in. there were the frantic teenage girls and guys, the boyfriends and fathers who looked scared or constipated, the young women, the emo men, and the 35+ female crowd. i tried to keep an open mind but many of the young women i watched walk by either severely lacked social skills or were over 250lbs. i honestly think i could have written a thesis or ethnographic study about the experience. then movie starts. there are squeals and sighs. the movie wasn't dreadful or anything, just very, eh okay.

so to my main point, what i learned watching the movie (and some true blood) was, never date a vampire. why? because they are controlling, emo, and abusive. what they do is they find themselves a very bland dumb girl (bella swan/sookie stackhouse) who for some reason, everyone loves and fawns over,despite her lack of redeeming qualities. the vampire puts said girl in danger, usually just by showing up with their emo pale face. they then create a dramatic situation to save the girl, they usually end up killing one of their kind. this forever binds the two as the vampire feels that they must protect her forevah. in return, the girl loves the vampire and sees the beautiful soul that no one else does (bc it doesn't exist, you dumb bitch). over time, the vampire tells the girl what she can and can not do.she wants him to make her a vampire but he refuses to do so. this causes the girl to be even more insecure then she already is. then for one reason or another, the vampire leaves his damsel, even though she is in danger. she becomes depressed, almost suicidal, dilusional, and self-absorbed. but don't worry, a shapeshifter or werewolf will protect her. she will want to love him but she can't bc she still loves that dead  mother fucker. after she bonds with the doglike creature, the vampire returns. he is always thankful to the dude for protecting her but gets all mad and shit because the girl may have considered moving on with her life. asshole. sensing he is losing his power over his female, the vampire will try to legally bind the woman to her by proposing marriage. romantic right?

so let me reiterate my point. DON'T DATE VAMPIRES. unless you're a masochist or something.