merry christmas & happy holidays

just wanted to say merry christmas and happy holidays!

remember, that when you take away santa and religious stuff, christmas is basically a birthday party, so anyone celebrate if they want to.

i hope everyone gets what they asked for, i know i did, because i wrapped it myself. i'll tell you later, that way someone can be surprised for me.

stay safe, stay glossy, and if you are driving stay sober, remember "jesus take the wheel" is just a figure of speech, he can't actually drive for you.

xoxo

bonnquisha

dear movies, don't try to play bonnquisha

i don't like it when people try to play me. i don't like it when so-called friends do it, i don't like it when boys do it, and i especially don't like it when movie trailers do it. i'm sure i am not the only victim of the deceiving movie trailer. i am not referring to the ones that make really awful movies look good but rather the ones that trick you into seeing a movie when it's disguised as another genre. the trailer creates expectations and then you watch the movie and think: what was da hell was that?!

example 1: precious
 i confess, i still haven't seen it (i'm just never in that mood). but i have noticed the recent trailers started to feature mary j. blige's "i'm fine" and make the film seem a bit more fun then it really is. the ceo of the small business my mom works for was tricked into thinking the movie would be appropriate for his two kids under the age of ten. luckily, the inefficient detective stepped in before he went and told him that precious is not a movie for children and he'd be better off taking them to see the blindside or the chipmunk movie.

example 2: closer
when i saw the trailers for the movie i thought, "ooh romantic drama". i figured it'd be like: oh hey, i'm married to clive owen but really in love with jude law who's with natalie portman but really in love with me, julia roberts, but ya know it will all work out in the end because true love conquers all. ( i see now this doesn't make sense at all)  but no, that movie was just fucked up, no happy ending, no true love, just some fucked up shit. i distinctly remembering that sammi and i hated it right after seeing it then we talked to other people on our way out and they hated it too! eventually, after rewatching the movie, i liked it. mainly because my expectations were totally different and i could appreciate it for what it was, a lovely reminder that love is so blah blah blah. 

example 3: inglorious basterds
so, i know with tarantino to expect the unexpected. but after all i have heard and seen, you know what i wasn't expecting...spoiler alert...this is essentially a foreign film, even when they were speaking english i didn't understand half the things brad pitt said with that wonky-ass accent. i sat there and thought oh are you for real? don't get me wrong, i have no problem with foreign films, afterall,  amelie is my go to movie when i am feeling down with the world, but damn someone could have given me a heads up. i have adhd...i have to be in the right mood/medicated to do all that reading! i understand they probably left this fun fact out of the previews in order to not scare off viewers like my dad, who fell asleep before the one hour mark, but still, you didn't have to play me like that, i would have watched the movie regardless.
in the end, i really liked the movie and my brother loved it despite that there was "not enough scalping." i will have to watch it again with mother, i imagine she will like it despite there being "too much violence" and lack of lapdances.

sometimes i wish he'd literally take the wheel, im tired of driving

today was a long day. the inefficient detective had to have surgery on her hand to correct the carpel tunnel she's had since she was pregnant with me. (sorry mom) the roads are still a mess from the blizzard so it took longer than usual to get there. when we arrived they informed us that because of swine flu people under the age of 18 could not visit. this meant i had to drive my lil bro home. after driving him home then driving back to the hospital, i was a bit exhausted. JTTW...literally, i'm tired of driving.


so, everyone at the hospital knows my mom, unfortunately everyone is actually just middle aged women and not that hot doctor who wanted to give her a spinal tap. the surgery was a quick one. when i was called back to see her in recovery she was loopy. the first thing she asked me was "how is my face?", in regards to her new foundation color. she then said "i should have bought the purple pajamas," she has her priorities for sure. i have no clue what she was talking about. i drive her home, where three of my brother's friends are in the basement. 

it's now midnight, they are all still here. my brother was able to convince my loopy mother to let him have a sleep over. i decided to make some home made eggnog, whiskey and all. i talked to my friend sammi about life, how she is spending her christmas eve, and the jersey shore. i am tipsy, so i wrote this ode to the princess of poughkipsie(i'm to lazy to google the correct spelling):

ODE TO SNOOKI

your orange skin and jet black hair, 

you are the envy of girls everywhere.

with yo backflips and pussy poppin',

you keep the jersey shore arockin'. 

whether you're italian or jewtina, it's all the same. 

queen guidette for life, don't ever change.

 for those who don't know there was an internet rumor that snooki is jewtina and therefore the imaginary lovechild of myself and my bff sammi, since it's currently impossible for us to have a love child. oh well, just another thing to add to my bucket list.


i'd like to end this post by saying RIP brittany murphy. you were in some of my favorite movies: clueless, drop dead gorgeous, freeway. you were taken too soon. that was way harsh 2009. i hope you are rollin' with the homies in heaven.

the art of meeting men...i've been doing it wrong

this instructional video teaches us single women the art of meeting men. and guess what guys, i've been doing it wrong. i haven't been carrying around stuffed animals, or wearing shirts with slogans, or spilling my drinks on men (but remember not red wine you don't want to be remembered for the wrong reasons). i also learned that 40% of men suffer from shyness and 80% of men have been shy in their life. who knew?! i can't wait to tell the guy i pick up from my local TGIFridays that it turns me on when men talk about their feelings.

i was aroused, then i was furious...then i was aroused again

the jersey shore. i really thought i had seen a lot of trash tv in my lifetime. to quote the great sue sylvester, " i was aroused, then i was furious." i watched the premiere with my jaw temporarily stuck to my boobs. despite considering myself a writer, i have never been a huge grammar stickler, but even i struggled for a while with the persistent butchering of the english language and every other grammar rule in existence. i wasn't sure how to feel, was this the most disgusting two hours of television or the greatest show of my generation?

my reaction too. i know you are watching this silver fox. 

by the time the two hours had ended i made up my mind. the pros outweighed the cons. this show is a true gem. honestly, i never want this tomfuckery to end. everything from the immaculately groomed eyebrows and glossy lips, on the men of course, to the use of bumpits and zebra like hair colors is perfection. the duck phone and the nicknames, i am a sucker for nicknames. "the situation", "snooki", "sammi sweetheart", "jwwow", and the "kim kardashian of staten island" all earned spots in my heart like the liquor that coats their livers. i haven't been addicted to a show on mtv like this since i was in high school.

however, some people find this show terribly offensive to italian-americans, new jersey-ians, and humanity in general. to those people i say, STFD & STFU:

1. no one thinks these self-proclaimed "guidos & guidettes" are representative of italian-americans as a whole. every race/ethnic group has their unfavorable. latinos have chulos & chongas, white people have rednecks, black people have all those black people searching for love on vh1, the list goes on and on. and may i remind you that there are "asian guidos", "arab guidos", "greek guidos" and even "jewish guidos". i know that the term guido was an ethnic slur, but as with other derogatory terms, after a few generations, the youth, never having experienced the pain associated with the word, takes it on and gives it a whole new meaning.

the fact is, the people who fit these stereotypes do so by choice, no one forces them to be on the show, to put layers of spray tan on or blow-dry their hair to new unimaginable heights. so, to all the italian-americans who are grossly offended, as someone who is 1/8 italian (it was news to me too), i say, the only thing you can do at this point is just accept guidos/guidettes as your embarrassing cousin that you just can't take anywhere...kinda like kanye west.

2. people of new jersey, i realize only two of the cast members are actually from new jersey, thus making the ties to people of your state slightly unjust, but please shimmer down, it is a show on mtv, not exactly the source for heightened sophistication. i understand you must be still reeling from the aftermath of the real housewives of new jersey, but remember you still have the movie garden state to fairly represent you.

3. this is a reality television show!! the point is to find the most obnoxious, self-absorbed people who happen to fit a stereotype, usually by their own choice, and then put them in situations that push the limits of reality and/or absurdity. no one (in their right mind) looks to reality tv as a guide to life. yes, it is trashy, obnoxious, and at times anything but real, yet, from time to time that's exactly what viewers need. watching reality tv provides people with an easy way to escape their own lives while reminding them of how "normal" and stable they really are. reality tv is great because we can laugh at them instead of laughing at ourselves. remind us of how good we have it, except for the shows about rich people. personally, as viewer, it is effortless/mindless entertainment, after all there is only so much mad men i can watch.

in conclusion ( i feel like i've written an essay), i think people need to take the jersey shore, along with all shows in this nature, with a grain of salt. as ridiculous as their lives may seem to us it isn't as ridiculous to them. we all make lifestyle choices but not everyone's are as entertaining to watch. for most of these people/characters, they wouldn't be fun to watch by themselves or living their day life off the shore, it is the ensemble effect that creates the drama and the humor. except for snooki, i will watch her in anything. team snooki FTW!

ps. do you think the guidos realize scarface was cuban? and don't be a smart ass and tell me the original was italian b/c that is tony montana in the poster. maybe it's just a thug thing, idk.

 

coming soon

over the last few weeks many of you (the people i know who read my blog) have commented to me via gchat, comments, etc about a phrase i use: jesus take the wheel.

 this sentence was originally in a carrie underwood song. i've never listened to it but what this phrase means to me is literally jesus take the wheel. for one reason or another a situation calls for jesus to take over because it is a mess. sometimes i realize jesus took the wheel, like on thanksgiving, i had a cold so i couldn't eat like a regular fat ass. sometimes,  jesus needed to take the wheel but decided not to, like everytime my family goes to costco or the jersey shore.

so, my friend sammi, like jesus is also a jew, suggested i do a jesus take the wheel wednesdays where i write about ridiculous things where i think "jttw".  so if you have any suggestions for topics please leave them in the comments or gchat me or text...yall know how to find me.

disturbing things

the internet is a weird and scary place sometimes. one wrong letter in a web address and you will see things that will haunt you for the rest of your life. i don't even need to give examples of the freaky shit i've seen, because you have probably seen them too. then sit and watch youtube clips of other people watching it. fucked up shit.

well, two friends of mine, sammi and agnes, pointed me into the direction of one of the most disturbing things i have seen in a while.

mylifeistwilight.com

some might wonder why i hate on twilight so much. a part of it has to do with me being against its propoganda nature disguised as a teenage fantasy novel. another part has to do with my firm belief that it encourages unhealthy desires and relationships. finally, another part has to do with the fact that if i read those books between the ages of 11-14, i would have even more complexities about men then i already do ( if you aren't aware of my complexities, please go back to september's blog posts and read about my love/hate for carrie bradshaw)

but seriously this is some scary shit:

Today I ate at burger king I sat next to a life size Edward sticker poster and then tried peeling it off the window but it was to hard. When I left there was another one on the door and I said aloud "Bye Edward!" when I turned to my left there was a girl starring at me! Lol it was worth it. MLIT

Today I had twin boys and named one Edward and the other Jacob. MLIT

Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT

do i even need to do commentary on these absurd statements? i mean, i don't even know what to say.  i am truly amazed at the world today...it's a cray cray place.

santa will always be on my naughtly list

when browsing the mall with my aunt, we came across one of my sworn enemies. mall santa. she joked, "hey do you want to get your picture with santa?" i replied, hell no, i hate santa. loud enough for this creeper to hear. obnoxious and immature, i know, but then again i have my reasons.

for those of you who don't know, my brother is nine years younger than me. when he was born i had to go with him to take pictures with the easter bunny, write letters to santa, and stand in those dreaded lines to sit with him and pretend he was the real santa. when i was thirteen, my friend and i accompanied my brother to talk and pose with santa. this santa, was a darksided santa. HE PINCHED MY BUTT! that's right friends, i was sexually assaulted by fucking santa. in hindsight, i regret not reporting him to the police, or even the mall police, but i was honestly in such shock over it. he is supposed to be jolly and friendly but not that friendly. i told my mom the story but until this week, no one else.

when i see clowns, i get petrified, but when i see mall santas i am filled with rage. as in i want to legit go bonnquisha on their ass but i restrain myself because i know this could end up scarring other innocent children for life and also probably have a few years of probation. maybe sharing this story will help me to get rid of some of this pent up anger.

i still love christmas just not those tall, fat, white men, who lurk in the mall disguised as lovable old men.