"i couldn't help but wonder..."

as i was looking at set pictures from the new sex and the city movie, i realized that it's been 10 years since i first saw an episode. and for 10 years i have had intense love/hate feelings for carrie bradshaw.

 

image: justjared.com

when i was younger i idolized sex and the city and carrie. my mom had a whole season  on vhs and i would secretly watch tapes after school, then try and rewind to whatever part the tape was originally so i wouldn't get caught. i had to wait years to see the final tape which still had the plastic wrap on. like every other girl, especially an aspiring journalist (at the time).  she had the apartment, the shoes, the friends, the guys, and the job. she was likeable and therefore i wanted to be just like her. 

by the time i was a slightly more appropriate age to actually watch the show, lets say 16-17,  i started to loathe carrie. i realized her lifestyle was completely unrealistic for someone who had a small column in a small newspaper (this was pre-book deal). it became a downword spiral of disappointment, i realized that a lot of her outfits weren't unique they were ugly, she made bad decisions, and she wasn't that cute. so, i abandonned carrie, just like i would later abandon meredith grey in grey's anatomy.* (note: i still hate meredith grey, that is just love turned into hate)

once i got to college, i loved carrie again. maybe it was because i finally could kinda-sorta relate that i got the full sense of it,  i was able to appreciate her outlandish outfits, her mistakes, and the fact that she isn't the most stunning person. she was slightly more relatable.

to keep it short, when the movie came out, i loved her, hated her, loved her, etc. 

i ultimately decided that i appreciated carrie for who she is, a quirky fictional character that could be an inspiration to some, but not to me. 

but then someone told me,

" we determined you are the carrie"

 what once would have been my dream words, turned out to be more of a unpleasant surprise. i don't want to be carrie. at the end of the day she had a ridiculous and convoluted love life, she read too much into some things and too little in others, and ultimately she was a true masochist.

i realized that they probably didn't discet her like i did. they probably determined i was "the carrie" because i wear my name on my necklace (it's a chonga thing not a carrie thing) and i'm a writer (kinda). but it stuck with me. and then today, i saw the pictures, i started thinking about everything, and i couldn't help but wonder....ohh fuck i am carrie- with the bizarre relationships with men and the tendency toward romantic masochism, but sans the amazing wardrobe, string of boyfriends, and a paying job. i've accepted that my ill feelings about carrie are really my ill feelings towards myself, and that i just have to continue to be my quirky little self and hope that when i find my mr. big that i just marry him and skip the 10+ years of fucked up relationships. oh and that my friends won't let me put a bird in my head (seriously wtf was that)